Our Dreams Came True...Now How Do We "Undo" It?

I've thought about this day for a long time now. The day when I got back to writing. The day that I got back to who I am. It feels strange to be sitting at this computer and even considering typing anything that is not work related or directly related to my children such as an email to a teacher, etc. It's been years...literally, since I've written a blog post. The last time I wrote, our three children were much younger. Our oldest child had not yet started school. As of today, all three children have been "sent off" to school. Our "baby", Neely, is now five years old and is in K5 at the elementary school. At the time of my last post, we still lived in our "starter house". We had just put it on the market. I was excited. We were starting the journey to make all of our dreams come true.

What were our dreams? Oh...the usual "American Dream" type dreams. Nothing unreachable. We didn't want to be rock stars or millionaires. 

We wanted more, period. 

Back then, we were in a 1700 square foot house with three small bedrooms, two small bathrooms, and a tiny yard. 300 square feet of the 1700 were a bonus room over our garage so the 3BR2BA area in which we lived, was cramped into 1400 square feet. We had no storage at all. I mean literally...NO STORAGE. We had no attic, no pantry, and only one tiny linen closet. Who thinks about those things when you're 24 & 25 years old, just getting married, and buying your first super cute house? It was so cute. I loved the front porch where I rocked my babies. I loved the kitchen where I had plenty of room to cook. I loved the house. I was so proud of it when we bought it. It was just enough for a young, married, couple. But as we brought each of our children home and began to raise a family in it, the walls began to close in, or so we felt. It wasn't enough, anymore. 

Back to the dream part. Back then, our dream was to build a bigger house. We knew this was the plan when we bought the original house. I mean, who buys a small house when they're just starting out and then goes on to live there for the rest of their lives, right? Was a foreign idea! So even as we were shopping for that house, we had this "dream house" in the back of our minds. We knew we would have to build a home, eventually, because there was no other way to get the perfect house for us. We lived in our starter home for nearly ten years and the entire time we lived there, we dreamed the same dream. We talked about it, a lot. We looked at house plans, often. We drove around upper-middle class neighborhoods in our area and went home to our small house with envy in our hearts for the beautiful homes we saw. When would we be able to have our dream house? 

Also, the other part of our dream (then) was to make more money. My husband is so determined to ensure that his family is taken care of, that he is constantly looking for opportunities to make money. He has had his hands in many business ventures over the years. Some ideas took off and then fizzed. Some ideas took off and then he "closed up shop" on purpose, or sold them. Some were ideas that never got off the ground. However, he has pursued several of them and a few of them "stuck". In fact, our dream was likely delayed 7-8 years ago because of a landmark decision in our lives. We decided for him to walk away from a very secure, well paying, sought after job (with great health insurance) at a local car manufacturing plant. He didn't have another job. He had a dream. He and his brother purchased a franchise and opened their own business. They knew nothing about the industry. This was a total leap of faith. And we took it with my being 7 months pregnant with our second child, Olivia. I was scared to death. Another story...another day. Right now, he has three operating businesses. Also for another day, is the story of how he manages three businesses, a very busy wife with a career, and three school-age children who are all involved in extra-curricular activities. We won't talk about that...not just yet. Back to the money part. Money makes your dreams come true, right? We needed more. 

So... to sum it up, we needed more money and a wanted a bigger, nicer, house. That was the extent of our dream. Simple! It doesn't seem unreasonable, right?

Guess what? We have it. We have the house. We have the money. We have beautiful, healthy children. We have a great marriage, for the most part. I'd be lying if I were to say we had the perfect marriage and I don't lie, ever. But essentially, we have it all. 

I have nearly tripled my annual income since my last post in June 2011. My husband has increased his income as well with his various ventures. We have our dream home. We have been living here a little over two years now. The details about what we went through to sell our previous home and build our current home is enough to fill several blog posts and it was a long, hard, road. But we're here. 

So now what? 

Are we happy with our house? In many ways, we are overjoyed. Our home is gorgeous, in our opinion. We love to entertain. We are proud of our home. Our home is spacious. It's not a mansion, by any means, but it's spacious enough to host all of our friends & family. The lay out is perfect for us. It's so easy to live in and move throughout our home. It's easy to be here.  There are very few things we would change about this house. We dreamed about it and planned for it for ten years so when we built, we pretty much got it right. It's perfect for us. 

Are we happy with our neighborhood? In many ways, we are overjoyed. We have made good friends here. Most of our neighbors are the best you could ask for. Our children have made good friends here and are able to run (because they never walk...and they never actually close the door behind them either) right out their own front door and find a playmate nearly any time they wish. And they do wish to, often, and so they do. Just this weekend, one of our adult friends and neighbors started a front yard football game and had a yard full of competitive, young boys in his front yard. They were having a blast! It's Fall and it's beautiful out; perfect for yard football! At the same time the football game was going on, another adult friend and neighbor helped Jason and I with some yard work just because he likes to stay busy and to help his friends. Later that evening, we had a cook out for Jason's birthday and most of the guests, were our neighbors. In two short years, we have forged friendships that I hope last a lifetime. No matter the need, there is someone right here in our neighborhood who can help us and we love to help them as well. We have a support system here and it's great. We are very fortunate. No doubt about that. 

So are we happy? No.

Do we want an even bigger house now? Do we want more money now? No and No.

We want less. We want less years on our mortgage so we can be financially free at a younger age. We want less stress. I want to find a job that doesn't require me to work nights and weekends to keep up with the workload, even if that means less in salary. And despite what is written above about our awesome neighbors, we want less neighbors. People cause drama. I find that the word "drama" is over used so I hate to use it. But..we've had it here. And it's ridiculous. 

We have recently begun to think very deeply about our future and what we've realized is that no matter your address and no matter how perfect your house is, what you sacrifice to be in that house, is not always worth it. No matter what your job title is, it likely won't be listed on your obituary. At least not first. When you read someones obituary, do you expect it to read, "Jessica Brown, Human Resource Manager, passed away on........"? No, not even if you are a CEO. Ok, well maybe if you are a CEO, but probably not even then. Your job title may be listed if you are insanely successful in business, but in most cases, not first.Who are you, first and foremost in your life? What you typically see is, "Jessica Brown, wife of Jason Brown and and Mother to Colin, Olivia, and Neely". When I die, this will be who I was. 

I no longer want to sacrifice my time to get to the next level at my Corporation. If I die while working in my current position, my job description will be posted on Career Builder very soon after all my co-workers attend my funeral and hug my family. A job doesn't define me and I don't define it. It is NOT who I am. I want less. 

Family makes a home and my precious time is worth more than money. You can never, ever put a price tag on peace of mind. I will repeat that. You can NOT put a price tag on peace of mind. This is what I crave more than anything in my life. I want peace. I want to be a better Mother and a better Wife. I don't want to feel stressed about work at all times, while I'm "off" and trying to take care of and enjoy my family. I no longer care that I'm still paying for my college degrees that I worked so hard to achieve so I could get to where I am in my career. So what? What my career is costing me isn't worth it to me...not anymore. If I must continue to work the way I do to be "successful" and to maintain our beautiful home - no - just no. I want less.

We are at the very beginning of a backwards journey. We want to "undo" our dream.

We want peace.

We want less.